Connection Catalyst

Bridging generational divides and enhancing connection in a polarized world.

A strong connection with the rising Gen Z employee has a twofold purpose: Bring the talents of a new employee into the value-production process, and develop leadership qualities for the next generation to invigorate and refresh our organizations over the long run. Supercommunicators provides a road map for both of these goals — tools and concepts for bridging not only the generational divide but for connecting across other barriers to communication.

Imagine you are taking a creative-writing course, and your assignment is to write a short vignette beginning with the following dialogue:

She: “Why is it every time I ask you a question, you answer me with another question?”

He: “Do I really do that?”

To fully develop this scene, you must place yourself in the minds of your characters and explore three things: What is this conversation about? How do we feel? Who are we? The resulting scene can range widely, from a pleasant comedy about nothing in particular (a la “Seinfeld”), a happy marriage where two souls deepen their love, or a dystopian nightmare of misdirection and mystery.

In Supercommunincators, Charles Duhigg, with straightforward prose and thoughtful case examples, walks us through these three communication elements — what is this conversation about? How do we feel? And who are we?

Far from being a mere stroll through creative writing, Supercommunicators will benefit not only business readers — the corporate manager and MBA student — but also apply to myriad roles: teacher, student, parent and friend. Perhaps more importantly, it offers a way forward to those who want to heal and reconnect with polarized friends or family. The section on having hard conversations is a must-read for anyone responsible for resolving conflict and managing difficult situations.

Great Listening

We’ve all heard that the key to good communication is to listen. But the listening mandate, consciously or subconsciously, runs into the problem of “I’m doing all the listening, but no one else is listening to me!”

Part of Duhigg’s formula for promoting better listening is to foster a more inviting conversation: A flowing, welcoming dialogue fosters effortless listening on both sides because people are connected.

If better listening follows from better conversations, how do we facilitate better conversations? How do we become a supercommunicator?

Think about the last time you were in a meeting. Did someone dominate? If so, did you walk away feeling like the meeting was not fully productive? Or have you been in a discussion where ideas just flowed, and everyone contributed and felt energized?

According to Duhigg, group participants connect more easily under the leadership of strong communicators. These communicators ask 20 times more questions — and they ask different kinds of questions. Studies have found that “people who ask lots of questions … particularly questions that invite vulnerable responses — are more popular among their peers and more often seen as leaders.”² The path to more engaging conversations is through making emotional connections.

Emotional Connection

Duhigg writes, “Emotional connection is triggered by asking deep questions and reciprocating vulnerability.”³ He punctuates the point by quoting Yale psychologist Margaret Clark, “The best listeners aren’t just listening. They’re triggering emotions by asking questions, expressing their own emotions, doing things that prompt the other person to say something real.”⁴ Even a simple “Tell me more” telegraphs support and openness that can promote a connection.

Communicators understand the three different types of conversations cited above and follow these rules:

• First rule: Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring (e.g., deciding, emotions, identity).
• Second rule: Share your goals and ask what others are seeking.
• Third rule: Ask about others’ feelings and share your own.
• Fourth rule: Explore if identities are important to this discussion.

Who We Are — Social Identities

Duhigg devotes much of the book to understanding social identities (p. 174), or “that part of our self-concept that comes from our membership in social groups, the value we place on this membership, and what it means to us emotionally.”⁵ This is not only how we see ourselves, but how we believe others see us. We all have a deep desire to belong, and our social identities have two facets: linking ourselves to preferred identities and rejecting identities we dislike.

Developing one’s awareness of this vital issue — identities — is very important. Who are we? runs deep and may be unreachable in the normal flow of organizational business-speak and managerial discourse. In today’s polarized world, once we sort ourselves into boxes of us/them, conservative/liberal, urban/rural, Mets fan/Cubs fan, a very counterproductive spiral starts — being told about the shortcomings of your identity group (whatever it may be) triggers identity threat, regardless of how fair or unfair the critique.

This threat breeds defensiveness and counterattacks, which highlight the shortcomings of the other’s identity. Thus begins a destructive cycle of threats and self-protection — a cycle that kills both creativity and productivity.

Duhigg offers a path forward on navigating the choppy waters of identity threat, with guidelines on how to talk about who we are:

• First, draw out multiple identities. People are not singular in nature. We have a political identity, but we have many more — we are parents, volunteers, Red Sox fans, older brother, favorite uncle, golfer, employee, former intern.
• Put everyone on equal footing, recognizing the multiplicity of identities is itself a commonality worth our respect.
• Create new groups by building on existing identities. The organizer of my cadre of golfing buddies gave us all a golf towel sporting the caption, “If you play golf, you are my friend.”

Having Hard Conversations

“Having a plan” always beats “no plan.”

Most conversations, especially those in a business setting, fall within a specific boundary of professionalism and etiquette, and following Duhigg’s guidance is an excellent way of boosting productivity and avoiding miscommunication and wasted time. But Supercommunicators goes farther, providing a template for those difficult conversations that can be necessary but onerous. Duhigg writes:

“There are lessons of all types, even those beyond our identities. The first insight is that … preparing for a conversation before it begins — thinking just a little bit more when we open our mouths — can have enormous impact. Anticipating obstacles, planning for what to do when they arise, considering what you hope to say, thinking about what might be important to others: Before any challenging conversation, think for a few moments about what you hope will happen, what might go wrong, and how you’ll react when it does …. “ … thinking about how a conversation will occur is just as important as what is said, particularly a Who Are We? Conversation … “In any hard discussion, and particularly in a Who Are We? conversation, we are wise to avoid generalizations …”⁶

Recurring Themes: Vulnerability, Reciprocity and Safety

Reading Supercommunicators in tandem with Adam Grant’s book Hidden Potential (reviewed in the Spring 2024 issue), as well as with other texts on leadership, a number of recurrent themes emerge — first, vulnerability. Allowing yourself to be seen and exposing your feelings and emotions — far from being a sign of weakness or failure, is a necessary ingredient to genuine connection and communication.

Second is reciprocity. The temptation to see the world in purely binary terms (I win, you lose) or a mindset of perpetual scarcity (the pie is only so big, and my share must be the biggest) represses the need for mutual advancement and the productivity premium that comes with true teamwork.

Finally, safety. Solutions cannot emerge when team members do not feel their views can be offered without putting themselves at risk. A key role for leaders is creating psychological safety for team members and fostering a robust environment to ensure the best ideas find a way into the conversation.

Also, Duhigg’s foundational assumption, like Grant’s, is that the skills necessary to become supercommunicators can be learned, developed and mastered. Never assume only a few are given the “gift of gab” or that such skills cannot be upgraded and perfected by all. Duhigg’s book offers insights and building blocks to enable us to communicate and connect in all our roles.

Final Points and a Word of Caution

Mal intent: We must recognize that in the hands of the unscrupulous, the manipulator or the sociopath, skills that connect with people at an emotional level can be used for deception and manipulation. Duhigg offers excellent passages on matching and looping (akin to “mirroring” in the lexicon of sales tactics). While identifying and thwarting genuine malpractice is beyond the scope of Supercommunicators, we note that the same skills for positive engagement can be abused.

It’s all about me. Duhigg’s advice to ask about others’ feelings and to share your own feelings is intended to stimulate connection and discover areas of commonality. Here we raise a yellow flag on this advice: Be sure to avoid the trap that sharing does not devolve into a self-centered monologue catering to one’s own ego.

TMI: We have all had the sensation of hearing “too much information.” Similar to “all about me” is the trap of offering cringe-worthy information. We should not get carried away thinking every life lesson demonstrates our humanity, but remain aware of what might be awkward and uncomfortable to our partners in dialogue.

Conclusion: Communication and Gen Z

“Communication” is derived from the Latin communicare, meaning “to share.” Whether you manage, work for, or are a member of Gen Z, excellence in communication is achieved in large part by sharing. Interestingly, one of Duhigg’s keys to better communication is to broaden one’s views of people’s identities.

To bridge the divide between Gen Z and the other generations in the workplace requires, in part, an ability to find and connect to any number of multiple identities — people are not merely Gen Z or millennial, they are sportsmen, techies, new parents, car owners and a dozen other things.

Seeing beyond the singularity of a Gen Z label for a cohort of workers is one of the keys to achieving connection, reciprocity and positivity in the workplace.

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This article originally appeared in the Fall 2024 issue of In the Lead magazine, from Stillman School of Business’s Department of Management and the Buccino Leadership Institute. The bi-annual magazine focuses on sharing leadership perspectives from the field, with content that is curated from leaders across industries.

Categories: Business